Monthly Archive for May, 2006

Newfound Bitchiness

I’m sick.  And not just a little bit.

It started out as an allergy attack on Wednesday.  By Thursday I was on a mad hunt for drugs, even going so low as to coerce The BF to share his.  It turns out I had a refill, so I picked up my meds at Longs and went home victorious.  Only the allergies had progressed into a cold and the antihistamine was totally ineffective against my new set of symptoms.  I muddled through work on Friday.  My cold turned into a sinus infection, or at least that’s what my headache told me.  By Friday evening I was in no mood to celebrate, which was a terrible thing because it was The BF’s birthday.  I rallied my spirits tolerably and wrapped his gifts, but after he opened them I had not an ounce of energy left.  I succumbed to the illness and let the birthday boy take care of me.

Here’s where I stooped to all sorts of bitchiness…

The BF claimed that despite my sickness he enjoyed his birthday in the exact way that he wanted—us on the couch with $60 worth of Chinese take-out.  Being the wretched girlfriend that I am, I didn’t even make the brownie sundaes I had promised.  After a fitful night’s sleep, I settled on the couch and turned into a whiny patient (minus any kind of patience).  I screamed for coffee because it’s good for asthma and I needed a big heaping dose of caffeine.  I complained about the service and the response time.  I got up off the couch and nagged about the preparation.  I tore open a packet of Sweet & Lo and frothed the milk myself because he was taking too frakking long.

I am a loathsome creature.  After the first few drops of coffee hit my mouth I acquiesced into my more stable self.  I managed to spend the rest of the afternoon not being a bitch, but it’s really sad that I think I should be rewarded for that.  Then we went shopping for Mother’s Day.  My frightfully low tolerance for indecision reared its ugly head.  I mustered all the compassion I had and pointed The BF to an appropriate gift.  But don’t nominate me for sainthood or anything just yet.  After all, I made him buy his own gift-wrap.  Even though I have a stockpile at home, I didn’t feel like sharing it with him and his mother.  I know!  Seriously, I am an evil woman!

What is wrong with me—aside from the fact that my infection seems to have settled in my chest (Yay!  Bronchitis!) and I have to spend my entire Sunday in the middle of BFN with a set of ‘rents that so don’t “get me” and two teenage boys that have disturbingly poor hygiene and pretend I’m not in the room unless I’m picking on them?

Oh, I guess there is nothing else wrong…

Currently playing:  Everything but the Girl, Big Deal

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The Bitchiest of Them All

I realize that one of my greatest qualities is also my biggest flaw.  I asked the mirror, “Who is the fairest of them all?” and the mirror told me I asked the wrong question.

My thoughts are brutally honest, which is nice if you want to hear it like I see it, but I’m a total pain in the ass if you like pretty lies.  My laugh is a cackle, sometimes its more malevolence and less mirth.  I’m shocked by my own commentary on matters of taste and of the heart.  I am, after all, the foremost authority on how to live life!  I stop myself mid-sentence to ponder how far over the line I’ve crossed.  From where I stand it seems so far away, but I’m too foolish or unkind to recant my last glib line or pointed remark.

Sometimes I think I’m funny, and the laughs really are the worst kind of encouragement!  I’d like to feign innocence and say that I’ve only just realized my bad habits, but I knew my penchant for mocking and wisecracking from an early age.

On my senior trip to Disneyland I bought a pair of pajamas inscribed with one simple word—Wicked—and at the hem of the shorts was a patch with the Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  They are my favorite pajamas.  They are near and dear to my bitchy heart.

Currently playing:  Madonna, Bedtime Story

(A serious shout-out to The Pink Fairy who just discovered that my darling Björk is responsible for my favorite Madonna ditty…)

Natalie Portman Was Wrong: V is for Vindication

I may be an Admin Superheroine, but the title means little outside of my very small world (you’ve all been so kind as to play along!).  Rare are the days when I taste sweet vindication, but alas, today I did.

I was at another infinitely boring training seminar when a bitch from another life sat next to me.  I examined her untamed curls fashioned in a bun.  I noticed her less than clear skin.  She looked vaguely familiar.  Perhaps it was her needless, haughty ‘tude or her name that struck me as familiar.  Upon closer examination I recognized her as one of my tormentors at a previous temping gig (see Giddy Up, Girl Friday!).  She scolded me for asking if I could wear jeans to a cowboy themed event, and then proceeded to sport a unique combination of pleather and polyester.

Kathy A. sat next to me feeling all sorts of smug; I assume you’d have to be a vacuous a-hole to attempt that skirt with those shoes and that bag. She may have been my “boss” in a different job, and we may have taken different paths, but we both landed in the same place—in an effing boring seminar.

Suck on that, biotch!

Currently playing:  The Smiths, Half A Person

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